Perceptions and Bad Behavior
Back in August I started a series of columns on the safe and sane discipline of children. You may be wondering if I’ll ever get around to what is traditionally thought of as the “discipline” part –punishing unwanted behavior. Hang in there! It’s coming. In this column and the next, we are going to talk about evaluating your child’s behavior, and why a thorough evaluation is vital to appropriate discipline and punishment, when those are necessary. Then, by age groups, we’ll talk about suggestions and techniques for managing undesirable behavior.
So far, I have proposed that you think of “discipline” as a means of guidance rather than merely as punishment. I’ve encouraged you to build a strong relationship with your children through consistent positive interaction. I’ve stressed the importance of structure in your daily routines, setting clear and reasonable expectations with your children in terms of their behavior, and positive role modeling, all of which are foundational to a strong, consistent, and positively-focused disciplinary system. You have set the stage, creating the environment most conducive to your children’s success.
And yet… they still misbehave!
Before you dismiss all those previous columns as hooey, let’s clarify a few things. First, your kids are no more perfect than you or me. They are human and will make mistakes. Frankly, when they are teenagers, they often make those “mistakes” on purpose. One of the hallmarks of adolescence is to push the boundaries our parents set, just to make sure they were serious. I did it, and I bet you did too (I won’t tell anyone if you don’t). And most importantly: you will never have complete control over your child, and trying to will result in nothing but anguish and disappointment for both you and your child.
So, now what?
The next step is to evaluate what we perceive as unwanted or “bad” behavior, and determine our response.
Typically, we are quick to assess behavior, and we rarely think twice about our conclusions. After all, if it walks and quacks like a duck, it must be one, right? Think back on the last time your child misbehaved. How did you know it was bad behavior? Was it intuitive, like a gut feeling? Or perhaps a snap response to unwanted behavior you’ve seen many times?
Don’t worry, your initial assessment is usually correct. However, many factors can impact your perception, and so it is important to consider those in a thorough behavioral evaluation. This is also important for continuity, and ensuring your response is appropriate.
Did you know? Just as drugs or alcohol can affect your perception and judgment, so can factors like stress and anger.
Next time we’ll discuss not only those factors that can affect perception of your child’s behavior, but also those that can impact the behavior itself. Until then, here’s to the health and happiness of you and your family!
